2020 – My Year

It was not the life I want but the year. Many were saying it was the worst year till, but this year provided me with the opportunity I needed. This year no one asks me anything but myself. This year provides me with the time I need, the realization that this isn’t my fault this time. I need this opportunity and someone sitting up there provided it, now it’s my turn to grab it. If I didn’t work harder this time then I don’t think I can do rest of life. If I failed this time I don’t want to become a loser in my eyes. I want glory this time and if I lose after working hard then it will be glory in my eyes but if I didn’t try, I don’t think I can bear myself any more. I don’t want to be a burden anymore.
The loser is the tag I want to carry for lifelong to remember my mistakes, but this time I want to proud myself. I want to try, I want to glorify and I need to work harder and complete the race even I stand at last position but I will run harder and complete my track.
I make it and I will make it the best year of my life. I promise this loser isn’t losing this time.


Have you ever give a break to your partner in a relationship??  If you did you know it was a really hard and if you don’t ‘you guys are lucky’.

When he realised the already distance

I believe most of you don’t even know about a break-in relation, a fucking break in love. Yeah, it’s real, believe me, or not it is real. some stubborn asses like me blinded in love did everything to keep that relationship going. Happiness_ this thing is secondary for us, what matters is her or his happiness, her or his needs, everything ends on her or him. And we stubborn asses don’t even realize that we are held back by chains of a fake relation and we held another person forcefully with us. even if the relation is true but the love they have with you is only for that you make them special and when you don’t they just ask for the breakup, oh sorry a Trial period and then a break. A new marketing trend.

Desire; to be loved not to love

Tonight I break that chain, which holds me back and freed her by loosening the grip. I pulled it with full force. The chain is broken and so do i. That chain holds me for seven long years. My relationship saw every up and down. Ups means when we fully consumed by the thought that he or she never leaves me, no matter what I do. We have more faith in another person more than we have in ourselves. And Downs means When a third person came into his or her life and shook you from that great sleep and then you go mad for that person.l
Eight years ago, same day, I met a girl, Aisha. A simple girl, new in college entering from the same gate beside me. We both were freshers. I never have any girlfriend before her, not even a friend in girls, So I didn’t have much experience talking with girls. But she asked me about her classroom on that very gate and it was the first time we had met and I had fallen for her. That was the first time but we slowly started passing vibes to each other, every time we met. And after seven months, I proposed her. She did not answer me for one complete week. And that week my heart pounded very loudly every time I saw her. I thought I lost her, her friendship too. But next week she handed me a paper with her mobile number on it. I called her and she accepted my proposal. That was the happiest day in my life and in this relationship.

It feels heavan

We used to talk to each other all day and night. There were hardly any moments in the first few months we cut our calls. But like others relation in the world, our relation has completed the first phase in 5-6 months and then came the other phase; We have other work to do and our friends starts telling us that there were other hot girls and handsome boys in the campus. This phase was really a headache, we gave ourselves problems and finally, we cried and again we did the same thing. This phase was a long shot. It remained there until the last day of our college.  She started talking to other boys in that period and I also started the flirting games with other girls. And we both had the same excuse, FRIEND. After those three years it came to the family; the toughest phase in an emotional way, our families played their roles for the next two years. They want us to stop talking, or stop these love games. what they always told SOCIETY NEVER ALLOWED THIS. That brings us more close. Our love starts glowing on our skin. The family smelled that love in the air. And my mom talked to her and her mom talked with me. And gradually things were smooth.
Like I said gradually things were smooth means boring. The it relationship just became a hobby. Like other old hobbies, this one also starts changing. In most of part, the hobby was the same, actually, only the roles are replaced by the new person. The whole fucking story going to replay again. It looks like a remix song. The old one with old lyrics but the latest music. But the other in that relation with old music who can’t update them with time is known as stubborn asses. And in this relation the ass is me. The last phase of this relationship came to an end in its own parts. First, when she asked me for a break. When she said she loves to feel like a single person. And the second one when she asked for a trial period. Trial period(i will explain it later) was not meant to try living as a couple but to try living without having in relation, without talking to each other. And then thirdly; the very last of the when stubborn (me) saw her messages on social media, when I listen from others that she saying she is single. And I felt that she is now. The relationship holds her from living her life. She gave me everything she could and now she didn’t have that love to share with me. I took that as a signal to complete her last desire. I cried I smoked, I drank. I did whatever that alleviate the pain of separation. And when I felt numb I called her and freed her from all the vows, all promises. I completed her last wish. I freed her from myself. I don’t feel anything, I’m numb now. Telling my story to my friends with opened whiskey. I broke my chains and loosed my grip from her hand. I am broken in pieces. But I never going to show that wounds. But I always going to say to the world is that my love and girl are the prettiest things (They are). It isn’t a breakup, it is the only a break I let to my girl like other ones I did before. Someday, somewhere, she will say to me again that she still loves me.

It hurts but needs to accept


I’m happy. Definitely I’m.
Although my love life, social life, personal life all sucked up. But does it matter; will I need someone to be happy???? I don’t think so, I tried hard to be a good son but I failed miserably. Friend; I don’t even shot on this. Love life again disaster.
I’m alone and it’s by my choice. It was and it is the hardest choice I made. I don’t know why I cut myself from others, not abandoning them completely but I closed my doors. I kept myself in a locked room, locked from inside but I never pushed myself on that door to open. I never blamed anyone but me. I’m a scared shit. I scared on losing anyone, scared to make my choices, scared to be open with my own family; I’m scared from myself, from my thoughts.
World named it anxiety, I named it ashame. Truthfully, I ashamed myself, ashamed from all the dark truth I hide inside me. It will be simple to die hard to fight. And for that I’m a loser and so I will chose the easiest way possible.
I don’t lie about not thinking about suicide as an option. Not even I don’t fear death. So you can see I failed here too. So I chose loneliness as other option. I loved to be alone and I’m happy. Instead I’m hollow now but I still hurt, so today I realize options not work better always.
I’m still not brave enough to write all the feelings, but I tried many times and it does not work better not even now. I don’t dare to say that my girlfriend not making things work. But her bad luck she found me. A boy who does not want to be happy.
Goodbye, sorry I can’t. It’s hard to beg sympathy, hard to ask what I want. Goodbye…


It always be hard to be open, put your heart in front of others. We met many in our lives who want to walk with us, and when we let them they start bossy over us and we know that very moment we made a mistake but we never accept that.
We made that person our life, and let everything gone, to become his life. That the person we want to walk beside us, so we can rest our feelings on his shoulder, talk over our up and downs, walking ahead of us. We make our heart believe that he was caring me, he shouting over me that i never ever make same mistake again, we had to follow him. We have to change for him, change is good until it disrespect you.These are the biggest lies in a relationship.

He loved you back then who you were and if today he didn’t love you who you are it isn’t love not today not back then.

Respect is always equal for both. Change is the only constant in the world physically mentally. But feelings never changed if those were real when the story starts until end.
Choose your partner from heart never expect love in back, just love and your love will gone with you to your last breath. you probably lose your partner sooner or later but not your love, not the feelings you have for that person.

A peice of Diary

Dear friend

I haven’t guessed any name for you, but I think calling you friend is better than any name by this the blank space of friend in my life will fill. You must thought why I shouldn’t maintain my diary in simple way. A diary is only a record of events, which I thought is important but when we are alone a conversation is better than recalling or recording events although it is a single side conversation but better than no conversation.

I’m not good socially at all. I haven’t much friends to talk. Actually I haven’t any friend. I saw other guys hanging, enjoying, playing, studying even went to washroom together, I know it’s not a big thing but for me it is enormous. From last year I tried to change myself, try to adopt others style those who are famous in school. I started from the very formal and easy step- changed my dressing style, copied the most popular guy in girls, I abandoned my shirts, and went to round neck t-shirt and jeans torn off from knees and high neck shoes. I’m a skinny guy so you can imagine how I’m looking but it was my first step to change, So I went on with this although it feel uncomfortable. But this is only for tuition or other events (I rarely attend). My school dress remain same but trouser and shirt both became narrow. Second, I tried to make friends and participate in debates. Thirdly, and most importantly, I tried to give and to take some love. These changes were good in some way, experience in other (I didn’t think anything is bad but experience). You must heard the quote be a filter not sponge, but I didn’t act on it and I became a sponge.

After last year summer vacation I went to school. School is that place everyone loves not in starting but eventually. But I don’t think I remember it as a place I want to live life long. I loved only two places in school, Library and Toilet. I’m serious. These two places saves me from unnecessary peoples. Library hasn’t allowed any shit, and at toilet no one wants to see me flushing shit.
“Hey pussy try it,” bob throw a cigarette on me and laughed.
I went straight to library without arguing them. Which I know isn’t worth. I opened new book GIRL AT ROOM 105 by chetan bhagat. I actually didn’t like love stories their is no point in these books. But I love his writing so I read his books and its cover suggested it is a unlove story.
“Hey can you find this book THE GREAT GATSBY”, a girl I never seen before in library or in school or in city. A cute face, brown eyes, all I could see looking at me with a smile on lips. I swear if Hitler saw that smile, there was no world war 2 or there is uncountable wars. She again asked, I read this book a few weeks back. So I know where I find it. I gave her book. And she thanked me. And told me her name kritika. I want to ask her many things like- Is she new here? Or from where she came? Or what is the secret of her beauty and cuteness? Or is she committed or single?(I thought it was bold) Many things but as I told you, I’m not good socially at all.
So dear friend that was the first time I saw her and the moment when I think love stories are cute. Although this isn’t a love story. It was just an attraction every boy has when they saw a new girl until I saw her again at last class- advance english. Mr. Guleria a good man with Stern face in a filmis tone reading ANNA KARNINA a classical novel by Leo Tolstoy. “Tommorow before we start second Volume, I need essay about anna’s position in society and reason why her step is good for her? Minimum 2000 words required.” He closed his book, “If anyone have any doubt ask”.
“Sir why Great Gatsby is so popular novel and known as best work by any American author.” kritika asked
“This will come soon, right now if you have questions about anna karnina ask and leave others”. By this stern and rude answer, she feel ashamed. I saw her face turned yellow with embarrassment. Her eyes filled with tears and a drop fell on floor, she instantly wipe her eyes with sleeve of white shirt. That was the time I noticed her sculptured angel body, she looks like_ no, she is the wild thought of God. In her tight shirt covering her bosoms, Her brown skirt covering her thighs, her braid hair, she is the one I ever imagined in my dreams. She turned her face towards me and noticed I’m looking at her. I don’t know how to react in these situations so I smiled and turned my face to book. I feel embarrassed. I hear cracking of dreams in my heart. I don’t know how to face her again. The most important thing I feel tensed about is- What she thinking about me?. That was the first time I think about how someone thinks about me.
After fifteen minutes the class is over. And the same question went through my mind, I didn’t dare to look at her, put back my books in bag And went out of classroom.
The aisle to main gate was fully packed with students. Everyone waving their goodbye, complaining about teachers, discussing their plans for next day, some couple were went to corners and kissing like they will not get another chance. Outside the gate five buses parked in a row and students crowded on their doors.
I never used a school bus, it was full with assholes. I prefer a walk to home, it takes around an hour, and on rainy days I used public buses. So I never stopped outside school building for school buses. But that day I saw kritika standing their at gate, alone, her face still yellowish with red eyes. First thought came to my mind, I have to talk to her, I should have to talk to her. I took a step towards her and again stopped, Isn’t it cheap, if I trying to sooth her without knowing her. Will she accept my offer to help with great Gatsby. I mulled over the thought to help her. But her beauty again fantasized me with her charm. And she again noticed me looking at her. This time I even forget to smile and turned my face and moved to outside campus. My heart lapping heavily and feets feeling nothing, i took long strides with numb mind. I don’t know why but i’m facing my anxiety of meeting new person. And in this case it was not the only case to meet someone but it was the question about my heart. I never felt like this, I enjoyed when she looked at me but afraid to get caught looking at her.
I even not crossed the campus, and she came running to me. “Hey, you not even told me your name.” She walked beside me.
I feel different, my heart, my mind my body none of these knows how to react. I am happy! Or I am afraid! Should I answer her Or neglect her! I’m so confused in that very moment.
“Siddharth sharma, you can call me sid, my sister used too.” I answered abruptly without knowing what I’m saying.
She laughed “I believe I’m not your sister.”
I feel a knot in my stomach. “But I can call you sid.” She smiled looking at my shamefaced. “So why are you looking at me.”
I’m abashed with her direct question, I lowered my head, walked silently to campus gate. “Sid you not answered my question.”
How can I answer her when everything in front of me was swaying, my eyes gone blur, mouth dried, pain sting at my left chest. This was very same thing , I felt two years ago, attack of anxiety.
I don’t know what happened after that but I found myself at home lying on my bed, besides me wrinkled but careful, tensed but smiling face of my mom staring at me, while holding my left hand.
“You are okay,” mom kissed my forehead, “Thanks to that girl,” she said. A smiled appeared on mom’s worried face, she continued “she said she is your new friend.” With same as intriguing but merry smile. It was not obvious, a friend came to my home, not even a boy but that day a girl came and helped me introduced her to mom as my new friend. So that smile on mom’s face make sense. She always pushed me to make friends, talk to girls, be social. She never liked my fond for books. Even she doesn’t contempt it but she never like it. “Mom i need some reset” i demanded.
“Okay_ well you surely in need of” mom again kissed my forehead. “But what’s her name,” her voice was choking with difficult effort to suppress her laugh. “She told me something aakriti krishna kirana” she teased me and handed me a glass of water and tablets.
“Mom!” I looked at her with what happened expressions. She looked back with same. “Okay, her name is kritika and today her very first day of school, she doesn’t know anyone here, so she talked to me in library, for some book, nothing more.” I explained myself clear and took tablets.
“First time your books done something good,” clasped her hands looked upaward “Thanks to God, She said she come tomorrow to see you.” Mom winked and went away. A smile appeared on my lips, feeling rejoiced, closed my eyes, her face appeared, then guilt of anxiety attack and sleep.
That feeling again overwhelmed my heart. This is the normal problem with me, or every person who suffers anxiety. When I faced my past, afraid. I can’t write anymore, my hands starts trembling.I need to relived my past again.
I will write to you soon and thanks for listening to me with such patience.


A Thief Story

I’m poor, not only by wealth but ethics and feelings.” The inner me shouted in my mind.

“It is my work, my way of living, butcher can cut others throat that’s their way of living and stealing is my way of living, there is nothing wrong with my ethics to my work, and I feel guilty for victims but I can’t do anything for them.” i debated with my inner me.
Every night, this endless debate keeps me awake. I’m in this profession from the last 14 years or so, I remember my first actual stealing when I was only 10 years old. I did not have the money to spend or buy anything, my parents could only pay my school fee. I was not good at studies and even after passing the primary, I could not even write my name. I used to look at other kids when they buying different stuff, toys and sweets. One day I went to the temple. which I think is just wastage of time and with time it is wastage of money too. We worship to the unknown, in the belief he provide us everything and we drop small money as a bribe before work has done and promised for remaining, after work. The work is done or not but the money never returns to you. On that day, mom took me to the temple even after my small protest, she gave me a coin and a flower and asked me to drop that in feet of god’s statue. I tried to be clever, dropped the flower and kept the coin, but my bad luck mom caught me and scowled me in front of the priest and other peoples. I take that as a challenge, and after adoration, we make our way out of the temple and I took that moment as my turn, priest busy in offering prasad to mom as blessings of God. and I took a handful of coins from the feet of God as a blessing. No one noticed me or missing coins. This was my first time in this profession, I steal the one, who supposed to guard others. As I grew older my needs grew and simultaneously my theft. I robbed many peoples rich, poor, crooked, greedy. It was not difficult to rob some greedy crooked or rich, they make their face red in anger, panicked. Poor, these peoples not hard but difficult to rob, after knowing their problems, but if you never know them it’s easy to rob them. But I never met an honest person. Now I am, it looks difficult to rob him.
Mrs Anita Singh, a divorced lady in her early forties. Living alone in Delhi, no child’s that’s why her ex-husband discarded her. Without fighting in court she accepts his proposal of divorce without any profit. She living alone from last 15 years, after 3 years of her marriage. Working in a private company, she added a lot of money, but she haven’t anyone to spend that money. I stalked her for a week, made my plan and a story to enter her house.

As per my research for a week, she returned to her house in midnight from office. I waited in front of her house in an old torn t-shirt, and filthy jeans, tried to look sick. In November, cold starts covering north India, and I know it will work in my favour. That night Anita returned from the office and found me sleeping in the stairs of her house. She shook my shoulder, and I opened my eyes like I’m in deep sleep. she asked my name. Anurag“, I told her. every month I used a new name, to keep away police and my former employees or victims.
“why you are sleeping here, go to your home.” she said. That moment feels like crashing of everything, days I worked for this robbery all went to trash. “I’m sorry.” without saying further I walked to the street. “wait”, I turned my face to see her. an enthusiasm of hope jumping inside me.

she came near me and smelled me. “you don’t look like a drunker”, she smelled again “why you are here?” I started my miserable story which I prepared for days. “My employer fired me two months ago, and after that, I haven’t any money to pay my rent or bills. my owner than ask me to empty their room and after that, I haven’t any place to go.”

“Why he fired you?” she asked. “he thought I stole sixty thousand from his locker, but I swear I don’t. if I have those sixty thousand why I’m here on roads, craving for food.” I started shed tears.
“where is your family?” I know this is her weak vein. “I don’t know, I don’t remember them, I was 10 years old when they sold me here in old Delhi, to a person who used us to begging. but when we grew older he left us. then I started working in factories.” I know she felt pity for me, and her facial expressions showed the effect of the story.

“you can join me tonight” she smiled. “I don’t want to be a burden on someone. if you have work, I will join you” I said. she mused in her thoughts for a minute. “I haven’t any work right now, but I figure it out..__hey can you cook”, I nodded my head. “I think now you have work and maybe family too.” She grinned.

That night I felt a winner, entered her house, won her trust. and now started my work, finding every valuable item. Made blueprints and stories to get cash from her bank and way to escape.
“Why are you living alone?” I asked her after spending a fortnight with her. she treated me like her own boy. she changed me into a gentleman, brought me clothes, and some novels and asked me to start reading if I can. she gave me a Iphone 6 to contact me when she was in office.
“I think I’m more like you. people abandoned me, for my defects.” Her eyes glowing with water. “Hey, did i told you about my plans.” she said
“Nope, you didn’t”
“How stupid I’m,” her hand hit her head.
“I want to know, you wanna live with me,” she said with hope in her eyes. I looked at her face confounded. “As my son.”
I nodded my head, first thing came to my mind, that it will easy for my plan and my heart rebukes me for using her feelings.
she smiled, and went up from the sofa and hugged me tightly. “I have few money with me, I will open a store for you. I made a complete plan. and next month a shop available for rent, I already booked that and from tomorrow we start working on material.” she kissed my chick.
she took her dinner and went to her bedroom, wine in a glass, and smile on her face. The enthusiasm of getting a son, a family clearly visible on her face.
“You haven’t any heart, asshole.” inner yelled at me.
“It’s my work and work is everything for me.” I gulped another glass of wine and fell down.
“Good morning, sid” she looked at my confusing face and continued “sid is your new name.”
“Thanks, mam, and Good morning”
“Seriously, mam. call me mom.”
“Ok, mom.” she smiled.
“I’m off today, after breakfast, I’m going to the bank. and then we will went to check your store. I think its good to have our lunch outside, family lunch”
she went to the bank after breakfast. and I again started fighting with me. This time debate looks longer, and innerme winning it, no matter how many excuses I gave to myself to rob her.
“Hey sid, put this 5 lakhs in safe.” she handover a key and bundle of rupees to me. “sorry sid I have to go office they call me for something important meeting. Make some lunch for you, and we will went out for dinner. Tomorrow a few friends of mine wants to meet you.”
“ok mom.” I nodded and she went to her office.
I have 5 lakhs in my hand and key of safe in another. my mind told me I will never get this golden opportunity again, and my heart told me she never get another son again and she trust you. a short debate with myself and my mind won. I opened safe and collect every jewellery and money, packed my bag and ran to the railway station. she messaged me sorry sid, I think our first day as a family never went in a way I want. I will be late tonight, take your dinner.’
I reached to old Delhi railway station at 5:30, Lucknow express was stationed at the platform.
I went to the ticket corner first time in life, I have a lot of money this time and I can’t want to get caught.
The train will leave the station at 7 pm, after an hour. I went inside in a slipper class and found an empty seat. Mulled over my actions, How that lady will felt after knowing that, her so-called son betrayed her. Ain’t she already broken enough, and when the dream of starting a new family shattered in front of her eyes how she felt. Her care, her affection, made my eyes wet.
A horn sound indicated that train is moving out and soon leave this station this city, and her hope behind. I rushed out of the train and soon out of the station. again my mind stopped me, again war between heart and may begin. I went to a park and looked peoples with their families. My heart felt, how that lady feel about herself after watching this. I have a family and I know how beautiful it is. I decided to tell her everything. A message beep broke my chain of thoughts, ‘I will be soon with you, and tonight I cook myself for you.’ I started running to home, and a light drizzle started and in few minutes it turns to heavy rain. It takes me 2 hours to reach home, soaked with water, tears in eyes.
Anita crouched on the floor outside the door, legs folded, head resting on legs. Looking down at feets without any sense.
“Mom”, I said and she looked at me offhand, tears floating from her eyes ceaselessly, spread black kohl was the witnessing her pain. Her eyes shined again after seeing me. There is no anger or remorse, but only pain. She hugged me tightly and cried for long, took my face in her hands and kissed my forehead and chicks like crazy. I hugged her tightly too. and said sorry. I told her about my past, my family in the village. she is ok with it after I promised not leaving her again.
Broken people hard to rob, they didn’t care about money, but about the person. I started my life in a new way with my mom, she opened a store for me and introduced me with her friends and her ex-husband. Came with me to my village and met my family there. Now, this thief becomes a son and a reputated man.

Letter to Love

December the 18th, 2018


My dear Love

Its hard to write love in words, and I’m not even going to try it. I’m only writing a dozen thoughts running through my mind. This letter is nothing more about us or our relationship but its only about me, my thoughts. Do you know how much you mean to me? I know that’s a stupid question to ask, but I ask it every day from myself. And I never got an answer. every day without you I felt alone, I check out others girls but instead moving ahead and holding their hand, your thought provokes me. I stop myself there. how can I hold someone other, when I know you will imagine that moment for us. every morning when I wake up my eyes searching for you- even after they know you are not there, but they know one day you will be. The whole day I wait for your call, I know you can’t make it but I love to check my cell phone in the belief you will.
Sometimes I felt you are so unlucky, you got me. Hooked up with me, is the worst decision you ever made. a long distance boyfriend, Why?? you are so gorgeous, you got many others better than me. I know your friends ask the same question more than a hundred times, they didn’t even found me handsome or attractive, they tried their best with you to have some other boyfriend. But every time you stayed loyal, stand there for me and with me. Why?? is that love???

You always thought our relationship even came to the category of relationships. For me, yes, and I always set you free to take your decision. I myself think you would be happier without me. its hard for you to wait for your boyfriend to showed up when your friends enjoying their life. I didn’t want you to leave me, but at this time it was good for you. I know you love me, and I’m happy with that.

you know I’m addict, not for some cheap intoxicant, and not even for sex but for you. you remember, we used to talk for hours every day, and that always fall short, and look now, we wait for days, a long week only to get a few minutes talk. but hey babe, I will wait as many days as my breathe would allow, Don’t take tension it will be with me until we got two kids.
There isn’t a day without you in my thoughts, and I don’t even wanna lie to you, I accept I follow others girls with my friends and brothers. but I swear I never touched or flirt (sometimes maybe) with anyone. Back seat of my Bike still empty, except those useless friends, with golden hearts, who always call you bhabhi, and Lucky with his girlfriend Kalpana mocking me and scraping my wounds. That seat still awaits for you, to hold me from back, your hands on my chest, maybe slip down to belly or down, but I really wait for that moment to happen.
I missed that I love you, we can say in each line, I miss your smile you have on video call every time after making a mistake, I miss you a lot babe, a lot I never express in words in any language. I missed you, I know you would too. but I am happy I got you(not physically but on call) with me at the end of this year and in starting off the new year.
I’m writing this letter today, at midnight, because some nights difficult to spend alone, some nights I want you with me and lost in you. sometimes it was hard to hold back tears when I want to meet you but I can’t and I don’t even know when??? but I promise you, next year I will be with you, a day or a week but I will their holding your hand. Love u, babe.
Yours Love with Love


Destiny : its not always us who made Mistakes

Pain always come when you did not expect it when everything seems fine. When your life going through the best phase, everything is perfect. Stars of your destiny brighter than the sun, there is no place left for dark. pain suddenly knocked on your door. it doesn’t matter, you opened that door or not, she finds her way in.

This story belongs to a person I respected the most. I want to share this with you guys to show you, it’s not always the man who made mistakes and lost everything, but sometimes its destiny, God.

Amit, a successful person, at a small age, he achieved big achievements. His IT company, working with many big mobiles companies, developing many applications for them. He set up a new branch of mobile software under made in India scheme last year. his life, a perfect one, everyone dreams. he has a small family, Mother, Father and a Sister, married 2 years back when he just started his business. He never drinks, not smoke, not even fought with anyone, a completely sober man. He never wasted time with girlfriends, I mean he never enjoys life in any way. albeit, He had a crush in school times, Kalpana. I know you all thinking, its a name of a girl or name of a new animal, found in Amazon forest. I think you get a clue about his choice. Kalpana never gives him a chance, actually, he never asked for one. And I’m his greatful for that.

In June 2017, Amit called me and told me about his family, wants him to get married. I told him, “not now, it’s too early, you are only 25 years old. if you marry now, your child will dance in my marriage.”

But his family wants him to settle down, and he was not that kind of son who argued with his parents. At the end of that month, his aunt came up with a girl and showed the pic to his parents. They liked the girl and ordered Amit to meet the girl and they himself want to check out her family.

After one week, Amit went with his family to Girl’s home, for their first meeting, a must follow tradition in the arranged marriages. He never told me, but I know he blushed in front of the girl, especially when families give privacy to girl and boy, to show how much stylish and modern they are. That night Amit called me. His euphoric, extremely high, After meeting the girl. He told that he like that girl, and love her name Ankita and now he wants to settle down with her, she is a cute one, when she came to serve tea, that time itself I wished, she would serve me tea for lifelong. but there was a problem, the girl said, she’s not going to marry until she knows him well, and after that, she will answer, she wanna marry him or not. and in reply he said to her, she takes as much as the time she wants.

In a shy, he didn’t even ask her, for her number. It takes him a week to ask his aunt for Ankita’s number. And two days to call her. I’m there when he first time called her.

“Hi”, when he said, it was like a difficult word, for a child, to pronounce.

“Hi”, I can’t get you.

“Amit,… Amit,_I think you remember, we met around 10 days before”. His voice was quiver, in excitement.

“Oh, I told you, I will..” she was cut in the middle by Amit, “That’s the reason I called you” a confidence suddenly enters in his voice, and he continued, “if we didn’t talk or meet, how we know each other???”

“I will check your facebook, check out how much time you chatted on whats app,” she replied with her girl’s sense, and it makes Amit confuse and laugh me.

‘Ask her, is that a new tradition or character certificate about a person,’ i said in a low hushed laughable voice. Amit put his finger on his lips, and wide open his eyes, to warn me.

“sure, you do it in your way. But I didn’t trust this internet thing. so, I will know you by meeting you.” His legs were shivering, he frightened when he said this. I was surprised that time, never imagined that he was able to answer like that. I hugged him, and kissed on his cheek, he pushed me away.

“sure, when and where?? And don’t take it as a Date.” Her voice showed that it was a warning.

“you can decide by your choice, when and where.” as long as he talked, self-confidence raised higher. it was not the person I know from my childhood, he was someone else, a player bigger than me, a Casanova.

“I will message you,” she said while thinking something.

“ok, And what you doing now,” he asked

“doing my stuff, call you later, Bye” she replied

“Bye,” Amit said


After he hung up, he took a deep breath. something we did when we check out our exam result and passed or passed an interview.

‘you don’t even tell me, how’s she look like? And please don’t say like Kalpana’ i teased him.

No, not like Kalpana. I’m not sure I saw any other girl like her. she had effervescent, champagne-brown eyes, covered with a Thin line of kohl. They have a dew-pond round. Heart shaped lips, covered with light pink lipstick. Her undulating midnight black hair, locked, to pass the light. Her beauty is difficult to define. you can sketch her as The Angel, not an angel.” his eyes were glittering when he said this.

That day in the night she messaged him, a restaurant address. next day when we met he was nerve, his heartbeat was so pounding that it was exploding at any time. We both went to the market in the day and purchased some new clothes, he sincerely needed one, his formals one had not gone to help in case of impressing a girl.
he wanted to purchase a formal shirt, at last, we were ended at full sleeve white T-shirt and plain blue colour jean. a new haircut had not much different from his original one but still good to change his personality.

In the evening, around 5, we went to the restaurant, she messaged. we waited half an hour until she showed up.
In blue plain tight usual jeans of girls and an orange colour top. she looks simply hot. Amit was right, she was an angel, sorry, The angel. This time his choice was brilliant. I can’t imagine this simplicity on the face of anyone, she had.
Amit stands, to welcome her. she smiled at him and came to the table.

“Hi Ankita, you looking good,” Amit said, “Meet my friend, Sid and Sid she’s Ankita”
“Hi,” I said and raised my hand towards her. we shook hands, “Hi” she replied. I felt awkward there. ‘I think I have to go,’ I said, tried not to be an asshole between them.

‘Why? what happens? where are you going now?’ Amit said. you asshole, you don’t know why. what I can do between you and your possibly the wife.

‘office, I have an idea about New update for security in mobiles,’ i replied and abused him thousand of times, without making any sound of lip moment. Ankita tilted her head down and chuckled, tried to control her laugh. He was such a Dumb and Ankita come to know this on their first unofficial Date. I said Bye to them and went out from there.

That day, I called him at night and asked about his first Date.
“Did she asked why you are so dumb?” I asked
“you did not tell me about it,” he said
“wasn’t it obvious”
“why to me. say sorry to her”
“so, Mr. asshole, hows your first ever Date went.”
“silent, from my side. I don’t know what to ask and she questioned me many things.”
“How much girlfriends I had?”
“what you replied”
“I told her truth, no girlfriend, but crush, Kalpana and showed her pic.” when he said this, I want to punch on his face, why he showed Kalpana’s pic to her.
“call Ankita now, and say sorry, about mentioning Kalpana,” I ordered him. he makes excuses not to call her, but when I forced, he called and said sorry.

it was his first unofficial Date and after this, it was his routine. After two months of their relation, she said yes for their marriage. and in these two months, Amit was a changed man. Their families fixed their wedding date, which was 8 months later from that day.
In October 2017, we get a deal from Samsung company. Amit holds a party in office and a party at the same restaurant, for Ankita and he also invited me.

Ankita came with her sister shiwani. a college girl, she was not simple like her sister. but a modern blond girl, Wearing black jeans, was knocked off from knees. a short yellow loose top was shorter than her belly button. blond hairs. she was a perfect girl for me. I want to kiss Amit that time for inviting me.
Amit Introduce me with Shiwani. Ankita and Shiwani, congrats us. Ankita told me some secrets about Amit as he danced in his bedroom when he was alone there. Many times he lied to me. He didn’t like my last girlfriend and tried hard for my breakup with that girl. He loves me as a brother (The only secret I know).
Then I opened with his dumb stories. When a girl proposed to him, and he runs from that classroom like she wants to rape him. When every day he wakes up and sing a prayer so loud and in a hoarse voice.
we spend a good time together and now its 9 and a half in the night. We went outside the restaurant and walked to the car, a light drizzle started.

we all searched for shelters, Ankita did not. she stands in the middle of the road, closed her eyes, lifted her head upward, facing the sky, to feel each drop on her face and she gradually starts moving round and round, on her toes. Her hands were spread to hug the clouds. she starts laughing in enthusiasm. Amit looking at her like he never looked anything beautiful like her. He went their, hold her hand, and followed her steps.
“I think we have to go home,” Shiwani shouted, “And please stop dancing like an idiot.”
“I’m with her,” I said
but they didn’t seem like they hear us. we shouted for few more times. Drizzling was heavy.
Amit came to us and said, “you both should move, we want to spend some moment together.”
“Ok, but how you both go to your home,” I asked. Bhiwani looks confused and tensed.
“We will manage,” he replied
Shiwani wants to protest, her face showed the expressions, albeit, she didn’t say anything. Amit ran back to Ankita, we looked at them, walking in rain, hands in hands, and happily laughing. “so, I drop you” I said
“No, I can’t go home with you” she replied
“Did you have any other option,”
“I can’t go, without Ankita. what can I say to mom, where is she,” she said in fidgety nervous voice.
“I think, it’s not good to ruin their moment.” I looked at her in hope.
“I didn’t, but what I can do possibly.”
I mulled that one over. “If we pursue them, without their knowledge and drop you home when your sister is there, then you do not face any problem.”
“yeah, that sounds, you have a lot of experience with this.” she frowned and patted on my back in appreciation.

we started following them, in the car and maintained a proper distance from them that they hadn’t catch us. They sit down on a roadside bench, Ankita rested her head on his shoulder, and his left arm covered her. The road was empty, the moon was the only witness of their love, rain, makes this moment perfect. Me and Shiwani watching this site, from distance, headlights and engine were off, we didn’t want to ruin their moment. Ankita stands and starts running in water, she laugh like kids, we hear in the car without any obstruction. Amit followed her and caught her hand from the back and pull her on him. ‘wow,’ i uttered, shiwani chuckled. Holding her on him for few moments. Ankita pushed him and they both started jumping in the water. we are 3 miles away, from her home. I didn’t wanna interrupt them, but shiwani. Her mom called her 3 times and asked her to come home fast with her sister. I requested her for 5 more minutes. Amit found an Auto and requested the man resting in it, to drop them. we follow that Auto. The night was started with so many promises, and ending like other ones, I think.

I want to shout at Amit, he did everything right, every moment, every sec of this night, every move, they both, but the end of such a romantic night was so simple.
Auto stopped behind a few streets from their home. Ankita and Amit stroll towards Ankita’s house. It irritated Shiwani, she told her mom that it takes only five minutes to them to be at home, But Ankita and Amit again started their love walk, hands in hand, her head on his shoulder. That time they both were silent, not laughing or talking, only feels each other emotion, with every step they came close to each other. I feel the intention of this night higher now, me and shiwani were also silent and enjoying their moment, we both know, what comes next.
Amit pulled Ankita in front of his eyes, the stroll stops, Ankita mount up on his shoes, for few secs they looked in each other’s eyes, their lips didn’t move but they talk with their eyes and emotions. Amit slowly and gently pulls the Ankita from her waist, she rose on her toes towards him, Amit bends his head. They both want to be one, as their eyes met each other, their faces, their lips want to be one. They Kissed, a gentle, a slow, full with love, not lust. I hated that man, I kissed many times many girls but never experience such a wonderful kiss, with a wonderful moment, I jealous. Shiwani shriek and in excitement she hugged me and when she realised what happened, she shy and blushed. That kiss was not long more than 10 minutes, but it was more than what I thought. I never imagine that he knows how to kiss, he surprised me. After half an hour Amit drops Ankita at her home and I dropped Shiwani following them. Next day I asked him where he learns to be such chocolate. He not replied and only blushed.
Its so strange, how fast these moments went, and how fast pain enters and how slowly the pain abandons our life. Next day, Shiwani calls Amit, when I asking Amit for shiwani’s number and he denied every time. She told him the most painful, agonizing, traumatic news and it came behind the most romantic, lovable, unforgettable night of his life. ‘Ankita had an accident in the morning’ shiwani told ‘And she was in the hospital in a critical situation.’ Amit ran to the hospital, this news hollowed him from inside. Ankita had stitches on her forehead when I saw her, closed eyes, Amit sat next to her, With tears in his eyes. I hugged him, ‘Doctor said she was shocked with this trauma, and it takes a while to get her conscious.’ Tears float from his eyes, his voice telling his situation, how much he broke from inside. He waited for her, for a long week in the hospital, but she did not wake up. The doctor said she is coma, and they didn’t have any idea about when she came back.

Amit didn’t leave that hospital, he did whatever doctor or people suggest him to do, to bring her back. A nurse suggest him to read her favourite books for her, don’t let her mind die. Amit reads her favourite book once she told him about that ‘I too had a Love story‘, like that book Amit and Ankita had a love story and same as the author, Amit lost her love, he reads every book shiwani bring to him, many times.

The doctor claimed that she feels his presence, she heard him and she will wink her eye or wiggle her finger soon. Amit waited for that day, but when I saw her in coffin what the doctor calls a bed, with steady breathing, closed eyes, I didn’t make a difference between coma and death. Amit spent most of his time for the next three months besides her. One day she stopped her breathing, with closed eyes she rested her chest.

Amit didn’t recover from that shock. He changed again, and this time he created invisible walls of emotions, never let anyone come near to him by crossing those walls. He preferred to be alone, he has everything but he lost his half. Not his mistake or anyone but only destiny plays her role. The God he prayed for his whole life, gave everything to him, but take away the most beautiful thing.

Follow my blog for more such short stories, And please leave your valuable comments, about my writing.

Dark Truth of the Society [Medicine_#MeToo]

#MeToo, a movement of this evolution, which surely will change the world and society. only a few girls joined this movement, and it already shook the whole world.

There are many more girls who not showed up, feared by our society, some are coming over that fear and joined the movement. I am here today with a story of a girl, an ordinary girl, not a film star or belongs to a big family, but an ordinary girl, who feared to step into this movement, for the family, from society.

My friend Archana, a beautiful girl, cute, kind-hearted, and helpful to everyone. Whenever I met her, she has a smile on her face. She is one of those, whose face brighter than morning sun, luckier than morning glimmer.
I never thought that this girl has a dark secret, which slowly and steadily eating her from inside.
she belongs to a family, believes in traditions, in a simple life, more than this modern era. Archana has a sister, married last year, and a brother joined college this year. she is 23 years, and I know her from last 5 years. she has a boyfriend and the only problem in their relationship is ‘caste’. a common problem in this country, a matter of concern to society and politics more than the population and poverty.
we are good friends, not best friends but close to each other, share our problems and celebrate together.
#MeToo, this movement famous a month back in India, and a day I’m debating with her on this topic. I’m taking Nana Patekar’s side, I told her that Nana was one of those few peoples in the world, who donated his earning, to the poors, and lived in 2 rooms flat, after being a successful Bollywood star. Now he is an emerging politician, political parties trying to defame his name. And who is that Tanu Shree no one knows, she said that this incident happened in 2008, where was she, for 10 years if Nana did anything wrong, or misbehaved, touched or raped her, why she can’t object and fight that time.
On this Archana said, “it’s not easy for a girl, to open up, and raised their voice, in this male dominant society”.
“Its the mentality of womens, but time changed many years back. I never listened, anyone didn’t send her girl to school or college, any girl married at a small age. In this era, girls have more benefits than boys, in every field.
” It’s what you listen, what you saw, and what this world tried to show, Sid. No one knows the Dark Truth behind these misleading stories, false promises to protect girls, even girls are not safe in their own house.”
“And what it is, so-called Dark Truth”
“Girls never share their pain, every girl has their dark truth, but she never ever talked about it with anyone, for her family, for her father.”
“I don’t know, what are you talking about? but my sister safe in my house, no one harm her their
“if she was, she is lucky. but every girl, every woman were not lucky like her
“you are not, lucky” I looked into her eyes, something she tried to hide. “you can share with me, you know me better, I’m not that kind of guy who will judge you”
she looked at my face, I never saw her squirming, pain clearly visible on her face. “please, don’t judge me,” she said. I nodded my head and spread my lips a little, trying to smile.

My family never allowed me or my sister to have male friends. you know I never invited you to my home for same reason. They have their customs to keep us safe.

I was 13 years old that time and my sister 16 years, our uncle, husband of my mother’s sister, came to our house, with his two sons one was 20 years old and another one was 17 years.

Both of them went to Market every day, my sister joined a coaching institute, after school, for preparations of final high school exams. Me and my 8 years old brother, played at home after school. My father went to the office. That day mom went to market with neighborhood friends and left me and my brother with uncle.

Uncle ordered my brother to complete his homework, until then he was not allowed to play, my brother went into his room. and Uncle asked me to play with him. he was picking me up in his lap and touched my breast, that time I didn’t know the difference about the touch of love, care and lust.

when I was down uncle rubbed my back and played with my hairs, I smiled at him without any knowledge what’s happening, and what will be coming.

uncle played a movie on TV and asked me to sit on his lap. he clenched my waist with his both hands, his one hand slowly moves towards my breast and other downward between my legs. I tried a lot to free but I could not. In first, uncle touched over the cloths and then his hands slipped inside them. you don’t believe but he said ‘you don’t wear a bra, don’t take tension, from tomorrow you need one, I enlarge your boobs’ and started pressing them hard, his finger tried to enter between my legs, I cried and begged him to leave me, but he can’t, he kissed me to suppress my voice. he opened my t-shirt and kissed me everywhere and then he unbuttoned my pant. and unbuttoned his own pant and asked me to touch him and kiss him.

after everything, he gave me a 50 rupee note like I’m a whore. and said not to say to anyone, if I, he would tell my father that I asked him to open his pant and forcefully opened his pant.

My sister came back from her coaching, And she saw me crying and alone in the room, she asked me what happened. I told her everything, and she hugged me, abused the uncle, and asked me not to tell anyone. if I, father would beat us hard. she said uncle did the same to her and doing every time he got a chance, and asked me to stay away from him.

From that day till today, uncle touched me, kissed me, and raped me, whenever he wants, like I’m a whore and his property, living behind a 500 note.”

Tears shedding out of her eyes, her voice trembling in pain and resentment. “why you never told it to anyone”I asked
“who will marry a girl, who was raped from 10 years continuously” she replied “Finding justice is not easy for a girl, as it looks like”

I asked her permission to write down this, and she permitted me and asked not to reveal her real name, her identity.

I can not give her justice, but by her story, I will try to wake up every man, look beyond what we saw and listen. Take care of the safety of women in your house. Never judge women by their clothes, work, status of their families. Be friends with your girls, with your sisters, so that they openly discussed any matter with you. society will change if we start it from our home.

If you are doing any misbehave or any act forcefully with the daughters of others or sisters of others. someone, somewhere doing the same with your daughter, with your sister.

we men need to learn the difference between love and rape. and need to teach our daughters and sisters about the difference between the touch of love, care and lust.

I requested each victim girl to raise their voice. its hard, but path to justice never be easy. This time, this moment is best to take part in this movement, and punish everyone who forcefully crushed you, #MeToo and post your story, every woman, every clean man and the law stands with you, for you.

Love, Lust, Mistake, Betrayal – HOPELESS

Mistakes, an act of judgment that is misguided or wrong. Mistake has many types. first, when a mistake happens without our knowledge that we are making a Mistake. second, when we trying something new. Third, when we made a mistake, and hide it from others for not to hurt them. Fourth, when we made a mistake and didn’t even hide it, and expect that it has no consequences.

People made a lot of Mistakes but we all know life has no eraser. even a genius made a mistake when trying something new. everyone has their own stories about their mistakes. I have a lot of stories, but the biggest mistake I made, is to test my love or use that love, hurt the person who loves me, believe me, and I didn’t give a fuck what she feels.
when these mistakes have consequences a hopeless situation surrounded me, I want my love back on any price, but she was gone. This situation is not what I want but it is the one I created.

Hopeless, a word that is hollow in itself, so when it attached with a person, that person hollowed, empty, alone same as this word.
Now this word attached to me, I’m hopeless but trying to gather my strength to look into her eyes, and not to show pain to her or anyone, shedding tears alone but smile when she is around. this story has everything love, lust and then my Mistake and betrayal, and her loyalty and consequences of my Mistakes.

A perfect sunny day in winter is like a piece of cake when we are hungry, and this day a perfect sunny day with blue sky without any screaming thunderstorms, a week passed away after my breakup and for whole week I didn’t come out of my room, winter in Shimla known as a romantic weather for couples or lover, and from the day winter start coming this year, clouds starts hovering over my relation and until snow starts falling, nothing remains in three years relationship even ashes. A whole week I sat down in front of my window and looked at falling bleach white snow, seven days enough time to remember three years, love loyalty mistakes and betrayal, this love story starts at the end days of high school, a simple high school love story, where we didn’t give a fuck what is love? but here we learn how to love, final exams of high schools were just a few days away, everyone had kept their heads inside their books, students like me who never attend their classes and hate the smell of books, they were also licking the books.

Riva topper of our class, an encyclopedia of high school examination, a bookworm. whenever she was around me, the smell of old books penetrates inside my nose. I hate her. every time I got a chance I used to tease her for being a bookworm. in examination days my mathematics teacher makes pairs of students, a good student with a poor student to help him with studies. And my bad luck I got paired with Riva, I knew she hates it more than I do. first few days we sit together until the teacher was there, and when there was no one around we have changed our seats, but when the exam starts coming near and near, I started taking her help. The first time when I asked her help with a maths problem, I ashamed. but slowly I used to it and soon we became friends, we started sharing our lunch box, and even in breaks, we accompany each other.

my friends start teasing me with her name, this makes me think about her, her black tied hair wrapped in oil, her dreamy bliss brown eyes, her heart-shaped puffy lips, they were kissing inspiring and satin soft. she had a perfectly shaped figure, glossy skin, slender eyebrows, attract me towards her.

now I started talking to her more than usual, we discussed our life more than the exams. we exchanged our mobile numbers and start talking in nights. I asked her, is she have a crush on someone? she said she has for many years but she never told him or anyone about it. I asked his name but she didn’t tell me and promise that she would, after exams. but I didn’t stop asking her, I don’t know why, I think jealousy, I jealous from him whoever he is. in the meantime our exam starts. we stopped coming to school except on exam days, but this did not create distances between us, these days help us coming nearer to each other. before the last exam, I again asked her about her crush. she said to wait for a few more days, but when I resist, she agreed to tell me about him but on call.

I went to my home and without eating my lunch, changing my dress, I called her, she picked up it on the first ring, “looking very excited to tell me his name”.

” I’m always excited about him, but why you are,” she said. I don’t have an answer.

“wanna know the choice of a bookworm”, I pressured her to tell me.

she asked me to keep it secret and don’t to judge her like a boy, but as a friend. I agreed.

“Lucky” this shocked me but it was the name I want to hear. I asked “Lucky is anyone from your relative’s town” she didn’t speak anything, two minutes silence on call looks like a lifelong silence.

“sorry, for hurting you, but it was not my intention, I know I was not your type that’s why I never told you or anyone,” she said breaking the silence.

“you are right Riva, you’re not my type, but who gives a fuck to these types, we always attracted to a person who is opposite to us, if we look at the person of the same type then boys should marry boys and girls with girls.” we both laughed and from here our journey starts.

every morning when I wake up, a message flashed on my mobile screen ” I love you lucky, Miss you, babe, Good morning Jaan” and at night my mobile full with notifications of her same messages “love u, baby, have your dinner, hows your day, missed me or not, good night sweet dreams and don’t forget to meet me in your dreams” its been my routine for the next three years until my breakup.

first two months of our relationship we met each other three times. one on our last exam and two times after that. These two months no one knows about our relationship. After two months when we joined college, it started a new phase of this relationship, in starting days we both hang out with each other but when my friends started teasing me, I make many excuses with her. I met her every day but our meeting was nothing more than a hi and a bye. but after college, we talked for hours on call. Riva knows why I ignored her but she never resists.

10 months passed, everything seems fine, but now teasing of my friends went to a higher level. They started asking about more personal things, we kissed or not? Did I touched her boobs or not? I saw her nude or just masturbate by looking her face. They said many more things, and it encourages me to take the next step in this relationship.

Once I called her in the night and asked her for a kiss she agreed, and the next day we came to college an hour early, and we went to our classroom. it was empty, I grabbed her waist, and pulled her towards a bench, and said I love you Riva in a low seducing voice, she replied I love you too lucky. Riva submitted herself to me. she closed her eyes and as I leaned over her she lays slowly over the bench and slowly my lips went towards her lips but a dread of kissing the first time came over me and I kissed on her left cheek. I gather strength again and this time my lips touched her lips. she was shivering with this soft touch and taste of her lipstick dissolve in my mouth. I laid on her like a blanket, I bite on her lower lip, and my tongue enters her mouth. Riva didn’t show much reaction. I started kissing her neck as my lips move down to her breast, she hugged me tightly and tears came out from her eyes. I hugged her with the same tightness for a few minutes and then both went to college ground, that day we didn’t attend a single class, although it was our first kissing experience. It was different, excited and frightened. our heart beats not slowed down for the whole day. when Riva stops crying, I asked her how she felt? she said she was Afraid, and start fighting that she said yes only for a kiss, not for a french kiss. This was the very first time I ever kissed a girl and after this, it was included in our routine for the next few months when we got chance we kissed. my friends still teased me but I never told them about our kiss, our bond becomes stronger with this kiss.

a year completed to our relationship and after exams, the college had vacations. we both again meet very rarely. on phone call this relationship went to a new phase, we both opened to each other, I asked her about her inner clothes, which colour bra and panty she wearing, size of her bra, did she ever touched her boobs, and after a few days I asked her to send me her pictures in bra and panty, on which she resists and didn’t send. I started telling her about masturbation, and what I think about her while masturbating, starts sending her my nude pictures and sex clips.

until college restarted our relationship changed in every aspect, on the very first day of college we came early and kissed in the classroom, it was not a kiss, it was more than a kiss, from her lips I came to her breast, I pulled off her top to neck and licked her breast, touched her, played with them and Riva didn’t stop me, her hands playing with my hairs and pressed my head on her breast, my hands pressed her ass, but she stopped my hands to go further, but I lose control over myself and didn’t stop, I touched her over her jeans, but she didn’t allow me to open that, for the next 2 months we kissed and touched each other when we got a chance.

after two months we got a chance when our class went on a picnic trip for two days. We both lied at home that we were going on the trip, and instead of that, we went to Manali. we had two days and two nights alone without any disturbance. I booked a hotel online and after a week we went to Manali, as per our plan. This was an exciting journey of my lifetime, I never forget it, when she holds my hand tightly and slept by keeping her head on my shoulder, I kept my head on her. we both were fully exhausted by this journey, we went to the hotel, I slept on the bed, Riva went to the bathroom for a shower. I didn’t realize when I slept, but when my eyes opened Riva was seating beside me and watching tv. first time I saw her in wet and open hairs, drops of water sliding through her hairs to her neck into her cleavage, that time she looks lethally hot, a bomb, exploding any time, I never imagined her so hot and sexy, her baby pink deep neck t-shirt glowing her face, I put my hand on her waist and pull her on me,

“lucky please take a shower, you smelling sweat babe,” she said,

I smiled, and hugged her tightly and said “I think we both need a shower and together”,

“I already took baby and don’t have any interest in another one and especially not with you,” she said and tossed a damp towel on my face, it smelled like her,

“This towel is luckier than me, every day it touched you everywhere, I’m jealous, but tonight is my night”,

“shut up lucky, I will not let you touch anywhere”

“you don’t !!”

“Till you take a shower” and she smiled

“lucky, tonight is your lucky night” I screamed and jumped over her, she pushed me aside and said “shower first”, I kissed on her chick and went to the bathroom, its night already.

after a shower, we ordered our dinner. by the time dinner came we kissed, but Riva stopped me to do anything more, but I did not have any control over myself. every time I kissed her, I bite, her lips, her cheeks, her neck everywhere. around 9 o’clock, a serviceman came with our dinner.

As soon we finished our dinner, I jumped on her and hugged her tightly, I feel her soft breast crushed on my chest. This touch was enough to boil my hormones.

“I love you Riva”, I said

“Yeah, I could feel your love getting hard” I looked in her eyes and she was looking at me with a smile of an angel. I couldn’t control and pushed her on the bed and jumped on her. I started smooching her widely, playing with her hairs. my tongue rolled deep to explore her mouth, my teeth busy biting her lips.

I started discovering her heavenly body with my hands as I roamed my hand all over her body to feel her curves and flesh. After 2-3 minutes of kissing, I broke the kiss and went down towards her neck. I gave her strong love bites leaving her moaning in pain. She was getting horny now and she joined the act when she pushed my head towards her navel. I knew I was on the right track.

I picked her up and removed her t-shirt. she wears a black bra. she knows black make me wild, I was hungry to eat them and I dug my mouth in her navel. I started smooching her wildly, giving bites everywhere. She was in heaven.

Giving it all the love of my mouth and tongue. She was very horny and rolled her legs around my waist. I knew I was pressing right buttons at right time. I moved downwards and ate her belly button. It was deep and I kissed it passionately. She rose her hips in pleasure. I slowly took my hands towards her pant and unbuttoned it. She looked down at me with an eye full of hunger, an eye full of lust.

our lust and hunger for each other floating like a river, that night still fresh in my memories, she was mine and I was her. I never forget the line which she said that night “Today, you made me yours for forever”.

Manali was the most beautiful place for me from that night. if ever I need to choose between heaven and Manali I will choose Manali.

we stay two more days in Manali, and after that, we went back to Shimla. And that love, attraction, care lost somewhere in Manali.

After Manali, we famous in college everyone knows our relation. first few weeks we both stayed together, and then quietly and quickly a wall became between us, she called me 100 times then I answered a call, in college I met her only for showcase, the excitement to talk to her, to meet her, lost, everything lost, I shouted at her when she begged to talk.

The second year of college passed like this, I stopped caring about her, about her feelings. making many excuses for not talk to her, and looking for new girls in college and facebook. chatting with them for nights, Riva knows everything and she alone shed tears, without showing her pain to anyone. Many times she questioned me about our relationship, about the direction it was going, sometimes she asked for the breakup if I was not happy, she set me free to go. but I was feared to lose her, and be with her I don’t know why it was so difficult for me.

The third year of our relation and third year of our college came with the last chapter of our relation. The beginning of this year was not different from the end of last year. still, she begged for talk and I still ignored her. I was busy with my new girlfriends, I have sex with 2 more girls after Riva.

starting of the second year and third year was opposite to each other, but it had something more. after few weeks passed, Riva stopped calling me, in college when I saw her she ignored me, she changed completely. it made me restless, I don’t know why. it was exactly what I want, but now I want to know Why and How. in a few days I again started taking interest in her life, I called her many times but she rejected my call every time.

so I planned to catch her in class. next day after last class I stopped her in the classroom. I asked her, almost shouted at her why she ignored me and, she replied that she never ignored me but I did, she respects my feelings so she stopped begging to talk.

our discussion was in middle and a boy enters into the classroom, “hey Riva I’m looking for you outside and you still in class”, the boy said.

“sorry, Abhi” she replied to that boy. Abhi, I know this guy from the first day of college, he was the topper of class with Riva,

“why he was waiting for you?” I utter these words without thinking anything.

“Lucky, he is my friend and helps me with everything” she replied, “what you want, that I live alone as your property and you flirt with every girl”, she looked into my eyes, I don’t have an answer for her question. I hugged her and tears starts shedding from my eyes, “please give me a last chance, I swear I never hurt you again, I love you, Riva.”
she took my face in her hands and wiped down my tears, “I love you too, Lucky” and hugged me tightly. we kissed in front of Abhi, without caring about anything. This was the last time we kissed.

she gives another chance to me to our relationship but it wasn’t like before. she was not interested in talking to me, in every topic Abhi was there, she spends more time with Abhi in college, when I asked her to go somewhere, she makes excuses of class and many times said Abhi will be waiting for her. she cared Abhi more than me and I begged her to talk to me.
four months passed, this relation had nothing left for me. last Sunday she called me, “Hi Lucky, hows you,” she said
“fine, and you”I replied
“more than that,” she said, “what happened, won any lottery !!” I asked
“Lucky, I want to admit something, please don’t be angry” these lines of her enough for a heart attack, this felt like a bad dream came alive. “okay, why I will”
“Lucky,” she said and paused “Lucky, today I went with Abhi on lunch and…. and he proposed me”
I already saw this coming, but I was helpless, I tried everything to stop this but I can’t.
“you didn’t tell me about your lunch plan,” I said
“sorry, I think, I forget” she replied
“you seem to happy with this, and if you are happy, I have no issue with this” I replied
“if you have any problem, I will stay with you,” she said
“Riva, I love you, and sorry for everything, for every mistake, Abhi is better than me and best for you, and same as your type” I tried to laugh, but its hard, I felt a rock crushing my heart, I want to cry but tears didn’t come out,

“Thanks, Lucky, I already know, that you will understand me,” she said
“Congrats to you for your new relation, and say congrats to Abhi from my side,” I said,
“he is calling me, I connect conference and you say yourself”
“No, thanks Riva, but I can’t, you talk to him, bye”
she said something but I hung up the call without listening to her,

seven days passed after that call and I broke my sim card and didn’t go to college. I have no courage to saw her with anyone else. I can’t face the consequences of my mistakes. I’m alone, sitting on the window looking at falling snow. memories of past, moments we shared, her face, her smile, is now my companion in this hopeless situation.

This is not the situation I want but I created it myself. Riva left me, is not the thing she did, but it was the situation I create for her and for me. I know I have to face her sooner or later, and this creates a more complicated situation. I want to talk to her but I controlled myself, if I met her, I lose myself, and again begged for love. I know she can’t see me crying, but I do not want to take away her happiness for mine.
I try to make myself stronger, I don’t know how much more days it takes, but until I felt ready to face her, I didn’t go to college till then.

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