December the 18th, 2018
My dear Love
You always thought our relationship even came to the category of relationships. For me, yes, and I always set you free to take your decision. I myself think you would be happier without me. its hard for you to wait for your boyfriend to showed up when your friends enjoying their life. I didn’t want you to leave me, but at this time it was good for you. I know you love me, and I’m happy with that.
Pain always come when you did not expect it when everything seems fine. When your life going through the best phase, everything is perfect. Stars of your destiny brighter than the sun, there is no place left for dark. pain suddenly knocked on your door. it doesn’t matter, you opened that door or not, she finds her way in.
This story belongs to a person I respected the most. I want to share this with you guys to show you, it’s not always the man who made mistakes and lost everything, but sometimes its destiny, God.
Amit, a successful person, at a small age, he achieved big achievements. His IT company, working with many big mobiles companies, developing many applications for them. He set up a new branch of mobile software under made in India scheme last year. his life, a perfect one, everyone dreams. he has a small family, Mother, Father and a Sister, married 2 years back when he just started his business. He never drinks, not smoke, not even fought with anyone, a completely sober man. He never wasted time with girlfriends, I mean he never enjoys life in any way. albeit, He had a crush in school times, Kalpana. I know you all thinking, its a name of a girl or name of a new animal, found in Amazon forest. I think you get a clue about his choice. Kalpana never gives him a chance, actually, he never asked for one. And I’m his greatful for that.
In June 2017, Amit called me and told me about his family, wants him to get married. I told him, “not now, it’s too early, you are only 25 years old. if you marry now, your child will dance in my marriage.”
But his family wants him to settle down, and he was not that kind of son who argued with his parents. At the end of that month, his aunt came up with a girl and showed the pic to his parents. They liked the girl and ordered Amit to meet the girl and they himself want to check out her family.
After one week, Amit went with his family to Girl’s home, for their first meeting, a must follow tradition in the arranged marriages. He never told me, but I know he blushed in front of the girl, especially when families give privacy to girl and boy, to show how much stylish and modern they are. That night Amit called me. His euphoric, extremely high, After meeting the girl. He told that he like that girl, and love her name Ankita and now he wants to settle down with her, she is a cute one, when she came to serve tea, that time itself I wished, she would serve me tea for lifelong. but there was a problem, the girl said, she’s not going to marry until she knows him well, and after that, she will answer, she wanna marry him or not. and in reply he said to her, she takes as much as the time she wants.
In a shy, he didn’t even ask her, for her number. It takes him a week to ask his aunt for Ankita’s number. And two days to call her. I’m there when he first time called her.
“Hi”, when he said, it was like a difficult word, for a child, to pronounce.
“Hi”, I can’t get you.
“Amit,… Amit,_I think you remember, we met around 10 days before”. His voice was quiver, in excitement.
“Oh, I told you, I will..” she was cut in the middle by Amit, “That’s the reason I called you” a confidence suddenly enters in his voice, and he continued, “if we didn’t talk or meet, how we know each other???”
“I will check your facebook, check out how much time you chatted on whats app,” she replied with her girl’s sense, and it makes Amit confuse and laugh me.
‘Ask her, is that a new tradition or character certificate about a person,’ i said in a low hushed laughable voice. Amit put his finger on his lips, and wide open his eyes, to warn me.
“sure, you do it in your way. But I didn’t trust this internet thing. so, I will know you by meeting you.” His legs were shivering, he frightened when he said this. I was surprised that time, never imagined that he was able to answer like that. I hugged him, and kissed on his cheek, he pushed me away.
“sure, when and where?? And don’t take it as a Date.” Her voice showed that it was a warning.
“you can decide by your choice, when and where.” as long as he talked, self-confidence raised higher. it was not the person I know from my childhood, he was someone else, a player bigger than me, a Casanova.
“I will message you,” she said while thinking something.
“ok, And what you doing now,” he asked
“doing my stuff, call you later, Bye” she replied
“Bye,” Amit said
After he hung up, he took a deep breath. something we did when we check out our exam result and passed or passed an interview.
‘you don’t even tell me, how’s she look like? And please don’t say like Kalpana’ i teased him.
“No, not like Kalpana. I’m not sure I saw any other girl like her. she had effervescent, champagne-brown eyes, covered with a Thin line of kohl. They have a dew-pond round. Heart shaped lips, covered with light pink lipstick. Her undulating midnight black hair, locked, to pass the light. Her beauty is difficult to define. you can sketch her as The Angel, not an angel.” his eyes were glittering when he said this.
That day in the night she messaged him, a restaurant address. next day when we met he was nerve, his heartbeat was so pounding that it was exploding at any time. We both went to the market in the day and purchased some new clothes, he sincerely needed one, his formals one had not gone to help in case of impressing a girl.
he wanted to purchase a formal shirt, at last, we were ended at full sleeve white T-shirt and plain blue colour jean. a new haircut had not much different from his original one but still good to change his personality.
In the evening, around 5, we went to the restaurant, she messaged. we waited half an hour until she showed up.
In blue plain tight usual jeans of girls and an orange colour top. she looks simply hot. Amit was right, she was an angel, sorry, The angel. This time his choice was brilliant. I can’t imagine this simplicity on the face of anyone, she had.
Amit stands, to welcome her. she smiled at him and came to the table.
“Hi Ankita, you looking good,” Amit said, “Meet my friend, Sid and Sid she’s Ankita”
“Hi,” I said and raised my hand towards her. we shook hands, “Hi” she replied. I felt awkward there. ‘I think I have to go,’ I said, tried not to be an asshole between them.
‘Why? what happens? where are you going now?’ Amit said. you asshole, you don’t know why. what I can do between you and your possibly the wife.
‘office, I have an idea about New update for security in mobiles,’ i replied and abused him thousand of times, without making any sound of lip moment. Ankita tilted her head down and chuckled, tried to control her laugh. He was such a Dumb and Ankita come to know this on their first unofficial Date. I said Bye to them and went out from there.
That day, I called him at night and asked about his first Date.
“Did she asked why you are so dumb?” I asked
“you did not tell me about it,” he said
“wasn’t it obvious”
“why to me. say sorry to her”
“so, Mr. asshole, hows your first ever Date went.”
“silent, from my side. I don’t know what to ask and she questioned me many things.”
“How much girlfriends I had?”
“what you replied”
“I told her truth, no girlfriend, but crush, Kalpana and showed her pic.” when he said this, I want to punch on his face, why he showed Kalpana’s pic to her.
“call Ankita now, and say sorry, about mentioning Kalpana,” I ordered him. he makes excuses not to call her, but when I forced, he called and said sorry.
it was his first unofficial Date and after this, it was his routine. After two months of their relation, she said yes for their marriage. and in these two months, Amit was a changed man. Their families fixed their wedding date, which was 8 months later from that day.
In October 2017, we get a deal from Samsung company. Amit holds a party in office and a party at the same restaurant, for Ankita and he also invited me.
Ankita came with her sister shiwani. a college girl, she was not simple like her sister. but a modern blond girl, Wearing black jeans, was knocked off from knees. a short yellow loose top was shorter than her belly button. blond hairs. she was a perfect girl for me. I want to kiss Amit that time for inviting me.
Amit Introduce me with Shiwani. Ankita and Shiwani, congrats us. Ankita told me some secrets about Amit as he danced in his bedroom when he was alone there. Many times he lied to me. He didn’t like my last girlfriend and tried hard for my breakup with that girl. He loves me as a brother (The only secret I know).
Then I opened with his dumb stories. When a girl proposed to him, and he runs from that classroom like she wants to rape him. When every day he wakes up and sing a prayer so loud and in a hoarse voice.
we spend a good time together and now its 9 and a half in the night. We went outside the restaurant and walked to the car, a light drizzle started.
we all searched for shelters, Ankita did not. she stands in the middle of the road, closed her eyes, lifted her head upward, facing the sky, to feel each drop on her face and she gradually starts moving round and round, on her toes. Her hands were spread to hug the clouds. she starts laughing in enthusiasm. Amit looking at her like he never looked anything beautiful like her. He went their, hold her hand, and followed her steps.
“I think we have to go home,” Shiwani shouted, “And please stop dancing like an idiot.”
“I’m with her,” I said
but they didn’t seem like they hear us. we shouted for few more times. Drizzling was heavy.
Amit came to us and said, “you both should move, we want to spend some moment together.”
“Ok, but how you both go to your home,” I asked. Bhiwani looks confused and tensed.
“We will manage,” he replied
Shiwani wants to protest, her face showed the expressions, albeit, she didn’t say anything. Amit ran back to Ankita, we looked at them, walking in rain, hands in hands, and happily laughing. “so, I drop you” I said
“No, I can’t go home with you” she replied
“Did you have any other option,”
“I can’t go, without Ankita. what can I say to mom, where is she,” she said in fidgety nervous voice.
“I think, it’s not good to ruin their moment.” I looked at her in hope.
“I didn’t, but what I can do possibly.”
I mulled that one over. “If we pursue them, without their knowledge and drop you home when your sister is there, then you do not face any problem.”
“yeah, that sounds, you have a lot of experience with this.” she frowned and patted on my back in appreciation.
we started following them, in the car and maintained a proper distance from them that they hadn’t catch us. They sit down on a roadside bench, Ankita rested her head on his shoulder, and his left arm covered her. The road was empty, the moon was the only witness of their love, rain, makes this moment perfect. Me and Shiwani watching this site, from distance, headlights and engine were off, we didn’t want to ruin their moment. Ankita stands and starts running in water, she laugh like kids, we hear in the car without any obstruction. Amit followed her and caught her hand from the back and pull her on him. ‘wow,’ i uttered, shiwani chuckled. Holding her on him for few moments. Ankita pushed him and they both started jumping in the water. we are 3 miles away, from her home. I didn’t wanna interrupt them, but shiwani. Her mom called her 3 times and asked her to come home fast with her sister. I requested her for 5 more minutes. Amit found an Auto and requested the man resting in it, to drop them. we follow that Auto. The night was started with so many promises, and ending like other ones, I think.
I want to shout at Amit, he did everything right, every moment, every sec of this night, every move, they both, but the end of such a romantic night was so simple.
Auto stopped behind a few streets from their home. Ankita and Amit stroll towards Ankita’s house. It irritated Shiwani, she told her mom that it takes only five minutes to them to be at home, But Ankita and Amit again started their love walk, hands in hand, her head on his shoulder. That time they both were silent, not laughing or talking, only feels each other emotion, with every step they came close to each other. I feel the intention of this night higher now, me and shiwani were also silent and enjoying their moment, we both know, what comes next.
Amit pulled Ankita in front of his eyes, the stroll stops, Ankita mount up on his shoes, for few secs they looked in each other’s eyes, their lips didn’t move but they talk with their eyes and emotions. Amit slowly and gently pulls the Ankita from her waist, she rose on her toes towards him, Amit bends his head. They both want to be one, as their eyes met each other, their faces, their lips want to be one. They Kissed, a gentle, a slow, full with love, not lust. I hated that man, I kissed many times many girls but never experience such a wonderful kiss, with a wonderful moment, I jealous. Shiwani shriek and in excitement she hugged me and when she realised what happened, she shy and blushed. That kiss was not long more than 10 minutes, but it was more than what I thought. I never imagine that he knows how to kiss, he surprised me. After half an hour Amit drops Ankita at her home and I dropped Shiwani following them. Next day I asked him where he learns to be such chocolate. He not replied and only blushed.
Its so strange, how fast these moments went, and how fast pain enters and how slowly the pain abandons our life. Next day, Shiwani calls Amit, when I asking Amit for shiwani’s number and he denied every time. She told him the most painful, agonizing, traumatic news and it came behind the most romantic, lovable, unforgettable night of his life. ‘Ankita had an accident in the morning’ shiwani told ‘And she was in the hospital in a critical situation.’ Amit ran to the hospital, this news hollowed him from inside. Ankita had stitches on her forehead when I saw her, closed eyes, Amit sat next to her, With tears in his eyes. I hugged him, ‘Doctor said she was shocked with this trauma, and it takes a while to get her conscious.’ Tears float from his eyes, his voice telling his situation, how much he broke from inside. He waited for her, for a long week in the hospital, but she did not wake up. The doctor said she is coma, and they didn’t have any idea about when she came back.
Amit didn’t leave that hospital, he did whatever doctor or people suggest him to do, to bring her back. A nurse suggest him to read her favourite books for her, don’t let her mind die. Amit reads her favourite book once she told him about that ‘I too had a Love story‘, like that book Amit and Ankita had a love story and same as the author, Amit lost her love, he reads every book shiwani bring to him, many times.
The doctor claimed that she feels his presence, she heard him and she will wink her eye or wiggle her finger soon. Amit waited for that day, but when I saw her in coffin what the doctor calls a bed, with steady breathing, closed eyes, I didn’t make a difference between coma and death. Amit spent most of his time for the next three months besides her. One day she stopped her breathing, with closed eyes she rested her chest.
Amit didn’t recover from that shock. He changed again, and this time he created invisible walls of emotions, never let anyone come near to him by crossing those walls. He preferred to be alone, he has everything but he lost his half. Not his mistake or anyone but only destiny plays her role. The God he prayed for his whole life, gave everything to him, but take away the most beautiful thing.
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#MeToo, a movement of this evolution, which surely will change the world and society. only a few girls joined this movement, and it already shook the whole world.
There are many more girls who not showed up, feared by our society, some are coming over that fear and joined the movement. I am here today with a story of a girl, an ordinary girl, not a film star or belongs to a big family, but an ordinary girl, who feared to step into this movement, for the family, from society.
My friend Archana, a beautiful girl, cute, kind-hearted, and helpful to everyone. Whenever I met her, she has a smile on her face. She is one of those, whose face brighter than morning sun, luckier than morning glimmer.
I never thought that this girl has a dark secret, which slowly and steadily eating her from inside.
she belongs to a family, believes in traditions, in a simple life, more than this modern era. Archana has a sister, married last year, and a brother joined college this year. she is 23 years, and I know her from last 5 years. she has a boyfriend and the only problem in their relationship is ‘caste’. a common problem in this country, a matter of concern to society and politics more than the population and poverty.
Me and her, good friends, not best friends but close to each other, share our problems and celebrate together.
#MeToo, this movement famous a month back in India, and a day I’m debating with her on this topic. I’m taking Nana Patekar’s side, I told her that Nana was one of those few peoples in the world, who donated his income, earning, to the poors, and lived in 2 rooms flat, after being a successful Bollywood star. Now he is an emerging politician, political parties trying to defame his name. And who is that Tanu Shree no one knows, she said that this incident happened in 2008, where was she, for 10 years if Nana did anything wrong, or misbehaved, touched or raped her, why she can’t object and fight that time. On this Archana said, “it’s not easy for a girl, to open up, and raised their voice, in this male dominant society”.
“Its the mentality of women, but time changed many years back. I never listened, anyone didn’t send her girl to school or college, any girl married at a small age. In this era, girls have more benefits than boys, in every field.
” It’s what you listen, what you saw, and what this world tried to show, Sid. No one knows the Dark Truth behind these misleading stories, false promises to protect girls, even girls are not safe in their own house.”
“And what it is, so-called Dark Truth”
“Girls never share their pain, every girl has their dark truth, but she never ever talked about it with anyone, for her family, for her father.”
“I don’t know, what are you talking about? but my sister safe in my house, no one harm her their“
“if she was, she is lucky. but every girl, every woman were not lucky like her“
“you are not, lucky” I looked into her eyes, something she tried to hide. “you can share with me, you know me better, I’m not that kind of guy who will judge you”
she looked at my face, I never saw her squirming, pain clearly visible on her face. “please, don’t judge me,” she said. I nodded my head and spread my lips a little, trying to smile.
My family never allowed me or my sister to have male friends. you know I never invited you to my home for same reason. They have their customs to keep us safe.
I was 13 years old that time and my sister 16 years, our uncle, husband of my mother’s sister, came to our house, with his two sons one was 20 years old and another one was 17 years.
Both of them went to Market every day, my sister joined a coaching institute, after school, for preparations of final high school exams. Me and my 8 years old brother, played at home after school. My father went to the office. That day mom went to market with neighbour friends and left me and my brother with uncle.
Uncle ordered my brother to complete his homework, until then he was not allowed to play, my brother went into his room. and Uncle asked me to play with him. he was picking me up in his lap and touched my breast, that time I didn’t know the difference about the touch of love, care and lust.
when I was down uncle rubbed my back and played with my hairs, I smiled at him without any knowledge what’s happening, and what will be coming.
uncle played a movie on tv and asked me to sit on his lap. he clenched my waist with his both hands, his one hand slowly moves towards my breast and other downward between my legs. I tried a lot to free but I could not. In first, uncle touched over the cloths and then his hands slipped inside them. you don’t believe but he said ‘you don’t wear a bra, don’t take tension, from tomorrow you need one, I enlarge your boobs’ and started pressing them hard, his finger tried to enter between my legs, I cried and begged him to leave me, but he can’t, he kissed me to suppress my voice. he opened my t-shirt and kissed me everywhere and then he unbuttoned my pant. and unbuttoned his own pant and asked me to touch him and kiss him.
after everything, he gave me a 50 rupee note like I’m a whore. and said not to say to anyone, if I, he would tell my father that I asked him to open his pant and forcefully opened his pant.
My sister came back from her coaching, And she saw me crying and alone in the room, she asked me what happened. I told her everything, and she hugged me, abused the uncle, and asked me not to tell anyone. if I, father would beat us hard. she said uncle did the same to her and doing everytime he got a chance, and asked me to stay away from him.
From that day till today, uncle touched me, kissed me, and raped me, whenever he wants, like I’m a whore and his property, living behind a 500 note.”
Tears shedding out of her eyes, her voice trembling in pain and resentment. “why you never told it to anyone”I asked
“who will marry a girl, who was raped from 10 years continuously” she replied “Finding justice is not easy for a girl, as it looks like”
I asked her permission to write down this, and she permitted me and asked not to reveal her real name, her identity.
I can not give her justice, but by her story, I will try to wake up everyman, look beyond what we saw and listen. Take care of the safety of women in your house. Never judge women by their clothes, work, status of their families. Be friends with your girls, with your sisters, so that they openly discussed any matter with you. society will change if we start it from our home.
If you are doing any misbehave or any act forcefully with the daughters of others or sisters of others. someone, somewhere doing the same with your daughter, with your sister.
we men need to learn the difference between love and rape. and need to teach our daughters and sisters about the difference between the touch of love, care and lust.
I requested each victim girl to raise their voice. its hard, but path to justice never be easy. This time, this moment is best to take part in this movement, and punish everyone who forcefully crushed you, #MeToo and post your story, every woman, every clean man and the law stands with you, for you.
Mistakes, an act of judgment that is misguided or wrong. Mistake has many types. first, when a mistake happens without our knowledge that we are making a Mistake. second, when we trying something new. Third, when we made a mistake, and hide it from others for not to hurt them. Fourth, when we made a mistake and didn’t even hide it, and expect that it has no consequences.
People made a lot of Mistakes but we all know life has no eraser. even a genius made a mistake when trying something new. everyone has their own stories about their mistakes. I have a lot of stories, but the biggest mistake I made, is to test my love or use that love, hurt the person who loves me, believe me, and I didn’t give a fuck what she feels.
when these mistakes have consequences a hopeless situation surrounded me, I want my love back on any price, but she was gone. This situation is not what I want but it is the one I created.
Hopeless, a word that is hollow in itself, so when it attached with a person, that person hollowed, empty, alone same as this word.
Now this word attached to me, I’m hopeless but trying to gather my strength to look into her eyes, and not to show pain to her or anyone, shedding tears alone but smile when she is around. this story has everything love, lust and then my Mistake and betrayal, and her loyalty and consequences of my Mistakes.
A perfect sunny day in winter is like a piece of cake when we are hungry, and this day a perfect sunny day with blue sky without any screaming thunderstorms, a week passed away after my breakup and for whole week I didn’t come out of my room, winter in Shimla known as a romantic weather for couples or lover, and from the day winter start coming this year, clouds starts hovering over my relation and until snow starts falling, nothing remains in three years relationship even ashes. A whole week I sat down in front of my window and looked at falling bleach white snow, seven days enough time to remember three years, love loyalty mistakes and betrayal, this love story starts at the end days of high school, a simple high school love story, where we didn’t give a fuck what is love? but here we learn how to love, final exams of high schools were just a few days away, everyone had kept their heads inside their books, students like me who never attend their classes and hate the smell of books, they were also licking the books.
Riva topper of our class, an encyclopedia of high school examination, a bookworm. whenever she was around me, the smell of old books penetrates inside my nose. I hate her. every time I got a chance I used to tease her for being a bookworm. in examination days my mathematics teacher makes pairs of students, a good student with a poor student to help him with studies. And my bad luck I got paired with Riva, I knew she hates it more than I do. first few days we sit together until the teacher was there, and when there was no one around we have changed our seats, but when the exam starts coming near and near, I started taking her help. The first time when I asked her help with a maths problem, I ashamed. but slowly I used to it and soon we became friends, we started sharing our lunch box, and even in breaks, we accompany each other.
my friends start teasing me with her name, this makes me think about her, her black tied hair wrapped in oil, her dreamy bliss brown eyes, her heart-shaped puffy lips, they were kissing inspiring and satin soft. she had a perfectly shaped figure, glossy skin, slender eyebrows, attract me towards her.
now I started talking to her more than usual, we discussed our life more than the exams. we exchanged our mobile numbers and start talking in nights. I asked her, is she have a crush on someone? she said she has for many years but she never told him or anyone about it. I asked his name but she didn’t tell me and promise that she would, after exams. but I didn’t stop asking her, I don’t know why, I think jealousy, I jealous from him whoever he is. in the meantime our exam starts. we stopped coming to school except on exam days, but this did not create distances between us, these days help us coming nearer to each other. before the last exam, I again asked her about her crush. she said to wait for a few more days, but when I resist, she agreed to tell me about him but on call.
I went to my home and without eating my lunch, changing my dress, I called her, she picked up it on the first ring, “looking very excited to tell me his name”.
” I’m always excited about him, but why you are,” she said. I don’t have an answer.
“wanna know the choice of a bookworm”, I pressured her to tell me.
she asked me to keep it secret and don’t to judge her like a boy, but as a friend. I agreed.
“Lucky” this shocked me but it was the name I want to hear. I asked “Lucky is anyone from your relative’s town” she didn’t speak anything, two minutes silence on call looks like a lifelong silence.
“sorry, for hurting you, but it was not my intention, I know I was not your type that’s why I never told you or anyone,” she said breaking the silence.
“you are right Riva, you’re not my type, but who gives a fuck to these types, we always attracted to a person who is opposite to us, if we look at the person of the same type then boys should marry boys and girls with girls.” we both laughed and from here our journey starts.
every morning when I wake up, a message flashed on my mobile screen ” I love you lucky, Miss you, babe, Good morning Jaan” and at night my mobile full with notifications of her same messages “love u, baby, have your dinner, hows your day, missed me or not, good night sweet dreams and don’t forget to meet me in your dreams” its been my routine for the next three years until my breakup.
first two months of our relationship we met each other three times. one on our last exam and two times after that. These two months no one knows about our relationship. After two months when we joined college, it started a new phase of this relationship, in starting days we both hang out with each other but when my friends started teasing me, I make many excuses with her. I met her every day but our meeting was nothing more than a hi and a bye. but after college, we talked for hours on call. Riva knows why I ignored her but she never resists.
10 months passed, everything seems fine, but now teasing of my friends went to a higher level. They started asking about more personal things, we kissed or not? Did I touched her boobs or not? I saw her nude or just masturbate by looking her face. They said many more things, and it encourages me to take the next step in this relationship.
Once I called her in the night and asked her for a kiss she agreed, and the next day we came to college an hour early, and we went to our classroom. it was empty, I grabbed her waist, and pulled her towards a bench, and said I love you Riva in a low seducing voice, she replied I love you too lucky. Riva submitted herself to me. she closed her eyes and as I leaned over her she lays slowly over the bench and slowly my lips went towards her lips but a dread of kissing the first time came over me and I kissed on her left cheek. I gather strength again and this time my lips touched her lips. she was shivering with this soft touch and taste of her lipstick dissolve in my mouth. I laid on her like a blanket, I bite on her lower lip, and my tongue enters her mouth. Riva didn’t show much reaction. I started kissing her neck as my lips move down to her breast, she hugged me tightly and tears came out from her eyes. I hugged her with the same tightness for a few minutes and then both went to college ground, that day we didn’t attend a single class, although it was our first kissing experience. It was different, excited and frighted. our heart beats not slowed down for the whole day. when Riva stops crying, I asked her how she felt? she said she was Afraid, and start fighting that she said yes only for a kiss, not for a french kiss. This was the very first time I ever kissed a girl and after this, it was included in our routine for the next few months when we got chance we kissed. my friends still teased me but I never told them about our kiss, our bond becomes stronger with this kiss.
a year completed to our relationship and after exams, the college had vacations. we both again meet very rarely. on phone call this relationship went to a new phase, we both opened to each other, I asked her about her inner clothes, which colour bra and panty she wearing, size of her bra, did she ever touched her boobs, and after a few days I asked her to send me her pictures in bra and panty, on which she resists and didn’t send. I started telling her about masturbation, and what I think about her while masturbating, starts sending her my nude pictures and sex clips.
until college restarted our relationship changed in every aspect, on the very first day of college we came early and kissed in the classroom, it was not a kiss, it was more than a kiss, from her lips I came to her breast, I pulled off her top to neck and licked her breast, touched her, played with them and Riva didn’t stop me, her hands playing with my hairs and pressed my head on her breast, my hands pressed her ass, but she stopped my hands to go further, but I lose control over myself and didn’t stop, I touched her over her jeans, but she didn’t allow me to open that, for the next 2 months we kissed and touched each other when we got a chance.
after two months we got a chance when our class went on a picnic trip for two days. We both lied at home that we were going on the trip, and instead of that, we went to Manali. we had two days and two nights alone without any disturbance. I booked a hotel online and after a week we went to Manali, as per our plan. This was an exciting journey of my lifetime, I never forget it, when she holds my hand tightly and slept by keeping her head on my shoulder, I kept my head on her. we both were fully exhausted by this journey, we went to the hotel, I slept on the bed, Riva went to the bathroom for a shower. I didn’t realize when I slept, but when my eyes opened Riva was seating beside me and watching tv. first time I saw her in wet and open hairs, drops of water sliding through her hairs to her neck into her cleavage, that time she looks lethally hot, a bomb, exploding any time, I never imagined her so hot and sexy, her baby pink deep neck t-shirt glowing her face, I put my hand on her waist and pull her on me,
“lucky please take a shower, you smelling sweat babe,” she said,
I smiled, and hugged her tightly and said “I think we both need a shower and together”,
“I already took baby and don’t have any interest in another one and especially not with you,” she said and tossed a damp towel on my face, it smelled like her,
“This towel is luckier than me, every day it touched you everywhere, I’m jealous, but tonight is my night”,
“shut up lucky, I will not let you touch anywhere”
“you don’t !!”
“Till you take a shower” and she smiled
“lucky, tonight is your lucky night” I screamed and jumped over her, she pushed me aside and said “shower first”, I kissed on her chick and went to the bathroom, its night already.
after a shower, we ordered our dinner. by the time dinner came we kissed, but Riva stopped me to do anything more, but I did not have any control over myself. every time I kissed her, I bite, her lips, her cheeks, her neck everywhere. around 9 o’clock, a serviceman came with our dinner.
As soon we finished our dinner, I jumped on her and hugged her tightly, I feel her soft breast crushed on my chest. This touch was enough to boil my hormones.
“I love you Riva”, I said
“Yeah, I could feel your love getting hard” I looked in her eyes and she was looking at me with a smile of an angel. I couldn’t control and pushed her on the bed and jumped on her. I started smooching her widely, playing with her hairs. my tongue rolled deep to explore her mouth, my teeth busy biting her lips.
I started discovering her heavenly body with my hands as I roamed my hand all over her body to feel her curves and flesh. After 2-3 minutes of kissing, I broke the kiss and went down towards her neck. I gave her strong love bites leaving her moaning in pain. She was getting horny now and she joined the act when she pushed my head towards her navel. I knew I was on the right track.
I picked her up and removed her t-shirt. she wears a black bra. she knows black make me wild, I was hungry to eat them and I dug my mouth in her navel. I started smooching her wildly, giving bites everywhere. She was in heaven.
Giving it all the love of my mouth and tongue. She was very horny and rolled her legs around my waist. I knew I was pressing right buttons at right time. I moved downwards and ate her belly button. It was deep and I kissed it passionately. She rose her hips in pleasure. I slowly took my hands towards her pant and unbuttoned it. She looked down at me with an eye full of hunger, an eye full of lust.
our lust and hunger for each other floating like a river, that night still fresh in my memories, she was mine and I was her. I never forget the line which she said that night “Today, you made me yours for forever”.
Manali was the most beautiful place for me from that night. if ever I need to choose between heaven and Manali I will choose Manali.
we stay two more days in Manali, and after that, we went back to Shimla. And that love, attraction, care lost somewhere in Manali.
After Manali, we famous in college everyone knows our relation. first few weeks we both stayed together, and then quietly and quickly a wall became between us, she called me 100 times then I answered a call, in college I met her only for showcase, the excitement to talk to her, to meet her, lost, everything lost, I shouted at her when she begged to talk.
The second year of college passed like this, I stopped caring about her, about her feelings. making many excuses for not talk to her, and looking for new girls in college and facebook. chatting with them for nights, Riva knows everything and she alone shed tears, without showing her pain to anyone. Many times she questioned me about our relationship, about the direction it was going, sometimes she asked for the breakup if I was not happy, she set me free to go. but I was feared to lose her, and be with her I don’t know why it was so difficult for me.
The third year of our relation and third year of our college came with the last chapter of our relation. The beginning of this year was not different from the end of last year. still, she begged for talk and I still ignored her. I was busy with my new girlfriends, I have sex with 2 more girls after Riva.
starting of the second year and third year was opposite to each other, but it had something more. after few weeks passed, Riva stopped calling me, in college when I saw her she ignored me, she changed completely. it made me restless, I don’t know why. it was exactly what I want, but now I want to know Why and How. in a few days I again started taking interest in her life, I called her many times but she rejected my call every time.
so I planned to catch her in class. next day after last class I stopped her in the classroom. I asked her, almost shouted at her why she ignored me and, she replied that she never ignored me but I did, she respects my feelings so she stopped begging to talk.
our discussion was in middle and a boy enters into the classroom, “hey Riva I’m looking for you outside and you still in class”, the boy said.
“sorry, Abhi” she replied to that boy. Abhi, I know this guy from the first day of college, he was the topper of class with Riva,
“why he was waiting for you?” I utter these words without thinking anything.
“Lucky, he is my friend and helps me with everything” she replied, “what you want, that I live alone as your property and you flirt with every girl”, she looked into my eyes, I don’t have an answer for her question. I hugged her and tears starts shedding from my eyes, “please give me a last chance, I swear I never hurt you again, I love you, Riva.”
she took my face in her hands and wiped down my tears, “I love you too, Lucky” and hugged me tightly. we kissed in front of Abhi, without caring about anything. This was the last time we kissed.
she gives another chance to me to our relationship but it wasn’t like before. she was not interested in talking to me, in every topic Abhi was there, she spends more time with Abhi in college, when I asked her to go somewhere, she makes excuses of class and many times said Abhi will be waiting for her. she cared Abhi more than me and I begged her to talk to me.
four months passed, this relation had nothing left for me. last Sunday she called me, “Hi Lucky, hows you,” she said
“fine, and you”I replied
“more than that,” she said, “what happened, won any lottery !!” I asked
“Lucky, I want to admit something, please don’t be angry” these lines of her enough for a heart attack, this felt like a bad dream came alive. “okay, why I will”
“Lucky,” she said and paused “Lucky, today I went with Abhi on lunch and…. and he proposed me”
I already saw this coming, but I was helpless, I tried everything to stop this but I can’t.
“you didn’t tell me about your lunch plan,” I said
“sorry, I think, I forget” she replied
“you seem to happy with this, and if you are happy, I have no issue with this” I replied
“if you have any problem, I will stay with you,” she said
“Riva, I love you, and sorry for everything, for every mistake, Abhi is better than me and best for you, and same as your type” I tried to laugh, but its hard, I felt a rock crushing my heart, I want to cry but tears didn’t come out,
“Thanks, Lucky, I already know, that you will understand me,” she said
“Congrats to you for your new relation, and say congrats to Abhi from my side,” I said,
“he is calling me, I connect conference and you say yourself”
“No, thanks Riva, but I can’t, you talk to him, bye”
she said something but I hung up the call without listening to her,
seven days passed after that call and I broke my sim card and didn’t go to college. I have no courage to saw her with anyone else. I can’t face the consequences of my mistakes. I’m alone, sitting on the window looking at falling snow. memories of past, moments we shared, her face, her smile, is now my companion in this hopeless situation.
This is not the situation I want but I created it myself. Riva left me, is not the thing she did, but it was the situation I create for her and for me. I know I have to face her sooner or later, and this creates a more complicated situation. I want to talk to her but I controlled myself, if I met her, I lose myself, and again begged for love. I know she can’t see me crying, but I do not want to take away her happiness for mine.
I try to make myself stronger, I don’t know how much more days it takes, but until I felt ready to face her, I didn’t go to college till then.
Lie is always a lie, no matter why or whome or for what, big or small, but lie always remains a lie. WHITE LIE a minor unimportant harmless lie, when we say a white lie we don’t want to harm anyone but instead of that we trying to protect their feelings. But its not simple, sometimes white lie is more dangerous than the truth looks like. I experienced this myself.
Once i travelling in a bus to my home from college, a girl boarded on bus and sitted next to me, i can’t look at her eye to eye contact but every time i got a chance i checked out her upside down. A pink color shaded t-shirt, little shorter showing her belly with deep neck and tight cleavage looks like measuring her breast, a skinny jeans of black colour glowing her white belly. When she turned to look at bus conductor, her hairs touched my face, smell of fresh fruits melted in my mouth. Her straight black hair shaded with golden color appealed anyone to fall in love, she suddenly turned around and catched my eyes looking at her, i feel shamed and tried to show her that i’m looking at conductor. She didn’t said anything and looked away. This was the first time i looked into her eyes, brown eyes surrounded with light collyrium, and a sweet smile on her face changed to serious and irritated expressions when she noticed me. A cute face, a perfect body, looks like i found an angel in real. I want to say her “God create you when he was free and not in hours or days but in years”.
When i finished checking out her i feel to talk with her, but i’m in low confidence. Not sure how to start, suddenly she speak out
“can we exchange seats, i’m feeling dizzy and sick, need some fresh air, can i sit on window side”,
and i leave the seat, she slide on it and i take her seat. In process her legs touched mine, and it felt like i touched a padded cotton.
Now i have a chance and an excuse to talk with her.
“Now you feeling good” i asked,
“little bit, but i hate to travel on bus” she replied,
“me too, where are you going”
“to my relatives at shimla”,
“oh, thats why i met you first time here”, she smiled. “And what’s your name?” I asked
“Why you are interested in my name?”
Instead of telling her name she asked a counter question from me, and my heart start shouting, not in your name I’m interested in you, i control my self and replied, “only to know my companion of this short journey” she smiled a little bit
“Meghana, and yours“,
when she said yours my mind start running faster than a train, if i told her my real name which i think is better as shit, “varun, and meghana is a very pretty name” i replied, And lied her with my cousin name varun which sturk to my head.
“Varun also a good name”
“will i call you angel, you looked like an angel, so i think its perfect nick name for you”,
“Thanks no one ever give me a nick name and angel….. Is very sweet of you” i smiled and feel like i won couple of oscars.
” you have any nick name?” She asked, “sid” another white lie from me, on our first meeting i even not told her my real name,only because i feel my name is a shit,
Before journey ends we talked a lot with each other and exchanged our contact numbers. For few months we talked with each other on call messages and after few days on video calls, soon we become a good friends or you can say more than friends but we can’t meet each other after that.
One day she called me and said she was coming to shimla and she wants to meet me and want to introduce her cousin with me. My heart start jumping when she said she wants to meet me and she first time said something about her cousin she never even showed me her picture and when she said she wanna introduce me with her cousin, it surprised me, i start planning to perpose her, and thought about every possibility, i know she was also interested in me and want me to perpose her, the thought of starting a new relationship with her excited me.
On that day, i purchased bouquet of red roses, wear a new t-shirt of blue Color which she told me her favourite color, and blue suits me too. And a faded color jeans borrowed from my friend, with a new hair style. We planned to meet in a coffee house, i went alone, and when i entered their she was sitting their with anchal, one of my college friend. When i saw anchal, i know i can’t hide my lie anymore, a thought of going back came to my mind but meghana saw me and pointing me to her table. Anchal also looked at me, and she said something with meghana. I know she told her she knows me and we both are in same college.
I went to table and shaked hand with meghana and with anchal. Meghana didn’t said anything even Hi, anchal told me that meghana is her cousin. Its hardly 15 minutes, most awkward, most difficult and it feels like hours, i tried to talk with meghana but she didn’t reply anything. And after 15 minutes she forced anchal to leave, and they both leave. It felt little good when they leave and hollow from inside.
I messaged meghana and ask her what happen?, after few minutes she replied “don’t message me or call me again.”
“Why” i ask.
In Reply she said “i do not talk to a stranger, especially the person who even lied with his name”.
I tried to talk with her many times but she never picked up my call or reply my text. I sent her many messages with clearence why i lied with her.
After one week i requested anchal to ask meghana for talk to me once. She said meghana didn’t want to talk and she told one thing that still bothers me that
“meghana loved you and she think now you betrayed her. She never showed me your pic but she always told me about you and how much she loves you”
I’m sorry meghana, i hurt your feelings, i wanna told you that day “I Love You” but i never got a chance. If you ever read this, please give me one more chance. And i swear i never gone make a lie. I still love you and always feels regret for my lie, the time spent with you on call or messages, on video call when you make different faces and when you care for me even if i had simple cold, sometimes make me laugh and cry at the same time.
A white lie, a small lie, without any intention to hurt someone, turns into a big mistake of my life, for which i regret always and even i can’t told anyone why i’m crying and for what i’m regretting.
That day if i told her my real name maybe situation was something else, maybe she would be with me. Or if she can’t we don’t have any attachment, She remain for me like others, a beautiful girl meet me in bus.
Lie is not a solution, it is a bog from which you can’t came out if you even want to.
We all made a lot of mistakes in our childhood, and our parents always ask us same question “Tell Truth” and sometimes we did and sometimes we don’t, no matter what was the situation they support us. This was the most important lesson of our life, to accept our mistakes and not try to hide them with a lie, which we didn’t understand in our childhood and even now when we are mature enough to understand everything. And if we did now we are not in a position to accept or act on it. We think its better if our lie will go on like this.
I’m not a philosopher, i’m a looser. Now when i look back into my past to know why i loose, i understand my mistakes but its too late. I remembered my first big lie, which affect me, my reset of life.
I was nine years old, and it was my very first year in a boarding school, away from home and family. It was hard to live their, thinking all time about mom, i never wanted to study in that school. So i made many excuses with mom to take me home, every time i called mom i told her i’m sick very sick, food was not good in hostel or about ragging. But mom always explain and advice me to adjust their.
Their was a third language subject in our school, a old lady mrs kiran was his teacher. She was the most lovable teacher in school at that time, every student loves her, she helped everyone in every situation, kind from heart, keep smile on her face every time, and if students say they do not feel like to study today, she was played games in class, her class was the only class no one wants to bunk. She was very kind with me also and always support me. Mr. Sanjay coach of our athletics and volleyball, once beat me hard and my left arm got injured. Mrs. Kiran help me with medicines and cover my arm with crepe bandage. I called my mom and told her what happen with me. Mom told that she coming to school next day. I know that time my arm is not that much injured for which mom take me home with her on leave. Next day before my mom came to school i have in my english class, and a idea struck into my head, i went to toilet and tight my bandage hard on arm so the flow of blood will interrupted. Mom came after 1 hour and when she saw my arm it was red and swelled, she loosed the bandage and went to principal cabin, principal asked me who bandaged me, i told Mrs. Kiran, principal called her and asked her why she bandaged so tight. She said it was not, and asked me was anyone else bandaged it again after her. I replied with no.
No, a simple word a small lie i made but it affect her very deeply, my mom take me home on leave but after this incident Mrs. Kiran never talked with me. Other teachers and students starts hating me. I’m sorry for but i did, but i never managed this sorry to say with Mrs. Kiran. After that year i never got a chance, she served in that school for 18 years but after my incident she took transfer and i never saw her again.
Thirteen years passed since, but this lie still fresh in my heart, i regret why i said no that day if i said yes, then today something else would have been. Many nights this incident came over me and asked me why i did this, only for few days leaves. I remembered the few days when my friends didn’t talked to me and other teachers who never helped me or other students afterwards. Everyday i wished i met her once, and say sorry for what i did with her, for my lie.
When we start lying we never overcome with it. I managed with more lies in that same year, but this one was still pinch me. I understand my mistake now but i can’t do anything except regretting. We all have some mistakes and lies, which eating us slowly from inside. I don’t know what to do with that or how to overcome.
This was my very first step to become a looser. Every looser have their own stories but at last everyone have same condition regretting and feeling shamed. I don’t think it matter for anyone if we understand our mistake after they start hating us.
Our life has many lessons and when life asked questions from us we failed to answer in a way we need to do. Life never have a eraser we can’t change past but we can careful for future. But truth was the hardest lesson to understand, we always failed with this, and become loosers.
Please comment if you think is their any way to overcome with this lie. And in next blog i will come with next mistake i made.
Everyone has a dream when he was a child, to fly in sky or to touch the moon, to do everything whatever pleased him, beyond reality. When he gets younger, a student, his dreams changed to the point of reality but still higher added with good wealth and money. When he matured in life, his dreams came to the stage where he wants little wealth with little success. And when he came to that phase of life where responsibilities start covering him, he has no sleep left to watch dreams in his eyes, he only worked hard for settle down in life. It was not the dream he dreamed his whole life but it was his necessity.
Many people achieved their last goal to settled down and few were failed here too, this was not a dream but necessity to live where they fails. This world and peoples named them A LOOSER.
I’m the one of them, failed to acheive my dreams and now failed with the right to live, i never acheived anything in my life. I know when you guys read this, you all will judge me but its ok, i’m a looser and who care whats a looser feel. You all can say “such a looser“
I know what you all thinking about me, many of you saying its my fault if i never acheived anythig, and i’m agree with that, its my fault.
But i have a question for you all, isn’t you all failed with your dreams??? Then why it make me different if i failed at last again?
I need a answer, please tell me why? Comment your answer. And in next blog i start with mistakes i made and why loosers failed?